Sport’s Cousin is pictured here in a sketch that appeared in an issue of the Atchison County Mail. (Submitted photo)

By Beverly Clinkingbeard

Sport’s Cousin was John Paris “Pat” McElroy’s author name. He was an early settler of Atchison County, living a couple miles south of Blanchard in the Hazel Grove neighborhood. He was a columnist for the Atchison County Mail and sometimes his news was under East Lincoln (township), and the school, Chicken Bristle.  The Blanchard newspaper also carried his column, though there are few copies on record today.

It probably isn’t too pre-sumptuous to say that the Sport’s Cousin used his first amendment rights liberally. McElroy was a farmer and had several sidelines besides being a writer – Justice of the Peace (in this capacity he represented people in court and argued law and rules with court held at Chicken Bristle School and LaMar Station, Nodaway County); he served on the school board of Chicken Bristle and campaigned for Chicken Bristle to have a high school (there is no record of that materializing); and was auctioneer. He used satire and personal observation to make sport of the prohibition era of the time, used ethnic wording for race description and called out church piety and hypocrisy. He referred to the Christian Church folks (of where he may have held membership) as the “Campbellites” (founders of the Disciples of Christ and later Christian Church were named Campbell). His column was quite popular and read if for no other reason than to see if they were the subject of his wit or criticism. He was married to Lizzie Esther Kern, a school teacher and music instructor. She was described as [her] “sweet, loving and gentle manner could not but draw people to her.”

Excerpts by Sports’ Cousin from the Atchison County Mail, 1902 and 1903: “Miss Sutton, the Country School Commissioner, held down the ‘boards’ at the Bristle last Friday night in an hour and a half lecture. The house was crowded, but good attention was paid to her address throughout. It’s to be regretted that Atchison County has not had such a painstaking, hustling, efficient School Commissioner all these years. Two years ago there were only two votes against her in this district and this spring there won’t be any. If some lady in the county wants to run against her I have nothing to say, but the man who is so office-hungry as to announce himself against her ought to be pelted over the head with a dead cat.

“I have sold 960 gallons of kraut and have nearly 400 more to sell.

“The Methodists and Campbellites at Blanchard fight all the time. When it’s not about baptism, it’s about how the Holy Ghost operates.

“A preacher hardly ever speaks about our good traits until he preaches our funeral. Why put it off so long?

“Are the pawpaws all gone, West Benton?

“We never worry over the lie we don’t get caught in.

“Up at College Springs, Iowa, a town of seven churches, last spring they had a fire. A boy by the name of Bagsby rushed in and saved a woman and baby from the flames, and the good people said, ‘Praise the Lord!’ He then made another dive into the red flames and rescued a case of beer and the cheers that went up were deafening, so they say.” (College Springs was an abolitionist and prohibitionist town and considered “dry.”)

“Red Star,” which way do you lean – toward West Benton’s popular girl relative, or his twin kinfolk?” (Red Star and West Benton were neighborhoods located respectively northwest and southwest of Rock Port. He barbed them frequently.)

“If local option will prevent me from treating my friend if he comes up to me on political matters, will it prevent him from treating me? If so, Red Star and West Benton had better attend to that little matter before March 11th, for fear our conference won’t be interesting.” (Not sure what was intended here.  Perhaps the old neighborhood remembers, or a veiled reference for prohibited alcohol?)

“The only business that the bad weather don’t seem to interfere with is the baby business. Six brand-new ones arrived in sight last week.

“The best thing for a chigger bite is just tobacco spit.

“Say, ‘West Benton,’ I’m going to have lots of melons, you and ‘Red Star’ come up in dog days. Don’t bother bringing any enthusiasm (this may have been a code word for prohibited alcohol) with you.  We can get all we want in Blanchard. I’m onto the ropes and stand in with the influential ones.

“Mike Shough got the largest vote for Justice of the Peace of any man in Missouri, being endorsed by Campbellites, Republicans, Methodists, Democrats, one Pop and a Prohibitionist.

“The roads are almost impassable – not even jackassable, and if you wish to travel, you should take your own gravel, but we are killing rabbits right along, and are not bothered with candidates.

“Land is selling at $65 to $85 per acre, and is scarce at that.

“There is a big revival going on, and I have a mutual telephone in my house and can rubber-neck it and find out all the news on earth.

“Got moustache, burnsides, whiskers, eleven barrels of kraut, potatoes, turnips, and lots of hog meat. I cry a sale once in a while, and get the cash to keep me in tobacco.”

The Sport’s Cousin, a colorful character of Atchison County’s past.

’Til next time…