By Karl Forehand

There’s a noticeable change in the air as the beautiful, dark forest-green corn stalks begin to turn sandpaper-brown. The auto repair shop where I had my inspection was busy with activity because the farmers are preparing their vehicles for harvest. The weather is cooling off, even though it usually warms back up around this time for a few days.

Fall is my favorite time of year, and this year it got me thinking about small-town wisdom. I had a lot of fun as a young adult in a bigger city, but for various reasons, I moved back to smaller towns and raised our children there. I’m not saying that everything about small towns is perfect, but there are definitely some valuable lessons that I’ve learned here.

Our town has around 1,500 residents. We generate enough wind energy to supply power to our mostly agricultural community, with some industry spread throughout. It takes about 30 to 45 minutes to reach Walmart, depending on the route you take.

Small towns have their benefits and also their issues. So, I don’t believe it’s wise to say dogmatically that one is better than the other. However, I do think it’s essential to learn from the place where you are.

1. Don’t talk about politics or religion to people who didn’t ask

I know what you’re thinking, “Karl, don’t you kind of blur the line with that online?” I agree, but to me it’s like a newspaper or a book. In digital and print media, I can write about and post what I think, and people can choose whether to read it or not. But when I bring it up close to another person, they have no choice but to engage, and these kinds of discussions can quickly get out of hand.

Some branches of Christianity often resemble a marketing scheme. They are highly encouraged to promote their religion and their idea of spirituality. Other forms counter this by making fun of them and marketing against their competition. They are both organizations, and at times, they behave very much like businesses.

Most other non-Abrahamic religions don’t do this, and I also wish we would listen to the advice of some of the wisest people in history and just be good people instead of trying to control others. Our philosophies, religion, and politics all shape who we are, but demonizing the other side is never wise because we all have faults, and the other people are probably better than we tend to believe.

So, back to small towns. People in small towns sometimes hold deep-seated grudges against other towns that are only about 8 miles away. It’s always about 8 miles. Maybe that was a specific distance for traveling on horseback or something similar. A day’s walk? I’m not sure, but I know those folks are almost exactly like us.

2. We spend our lives trying to be like our parents, then we grow up and wish they were more like us

We spend most of our lives imitating others, and when they let us down, we first try to change them, then we get angry at them.

This was especially meaningful to me when I was a pastor. I had a fatherly relationship with my congregation; then, when I changed and started thinking differently, those brave enough to confront me wanted to make me more like them.

The main point of this conversation is that we should focus less on trying to be like others and instead work on being more authentic. We should move away from conforming to others’ expectations and misguided ideas about ourselves.

The person who told me yesterday that they appreciated my calm nature doesn’t realize that I scolded myself yesterday for being monotone on a podcast. What was happening? I was criticizing myself for trying to be someone else or for attempting to meet what I thought people expected of me.

I usually say it like this, “Be who you are!”

3. Don’t give people advice they didn’t ask for

People in small towns tend to keep tabs on each other because it’s a security measure that helps them know what others are doing. It’s hard to go unnoticed in a small town. So, when you learn something new, make sure the person you share it with is interested in what you have to say, or they might avoid you the next time. And there aren’t many people to go around.

What they want to know is whether you’ll stay consistent over time. That’s why fitting in takes longer in a small town. Usually, it takes 10 to 20 years before you’re no longer the newcomer. That’s because, really, you’re still on probation since you weren’t born there.

Many locals are on trial because they’ve lived there for a long time and made some mistakes. So, remember to show compassion for those people, as small towns and religion are not always forgiving.

4. The loudest guy at the coffee shop is usually the least intelligent

The Dunning-Krueger Effect states, “people with low ability or knowledge in a specific area overestimate their competence.” This is especially true when older guys get together. The wisest among us tend to be humbler because they recognize more of what they don’t know, while the least informed believe they know everything after just reading a book or watching a documentary.

Not only can the other guys hardly get a word in, but they also tend to egg him on for fun. They use phrases like “I heard that” and “What do you think we should do?”

Older women tease each other like this, too, but it’s different. Their compliments are more sinister and dripping with sarcasm. Usually, they save their honest thoughts to share with others later in the day. Please prove me wrong.

But whether you are male, female, or non-binary, remember that if people are encouraging you to speak, then this person I’m describing might be you, and you can be sure that your friends are talking about you behind your back.

5. No one cares how much money you have until it appears you have more than they do

People in small towns are usually very generous, probably because in the past they had to share everything to survive. I’ve seen many times when, after a farmer’s death, other farmers and townspeople helped the widow harvest the crops.

Like those in cities, small-town folks often compare themselves to others. I no longer quote Bible verses regularly, but I recall one that advises against comparing ourselves.

Ultimately, the best approach is to focus on maximizing what we can achieve and utilizing it wisely. Money, accomplishments, and investments aren’t meant to boost our self-esteem; they’re tools for survival and helping others.

Rather than asking, “How much money do I have?” a better question is, “Did I earn it honestly, share with those in need, and love people more than things?”

6. The only time I lock my car doors is when squash, tomatoes, and cucumber plants are producing.

Most of the time, in a small town, we don’t worry much about people breaking into our houses or stealing our cars. However, if we don’t lock our cars during certain seasons, people often put overgrown vegetables from their gardens in the back seat of our vehicles or on our porch.

Fortunately, we have an arrangement with our neighbors across the street, and we trade vegetables and other items. Laura and Dixie message each other almost every day to coordinate these exchanges.

But here’s the thing. I don’t like tomatoes or cucumbers unless they are in the form of spaghetti sauce or pickles. So, it doesn’t make me happy if someone gives me something I don’t want, even though I appreciate their generosity.

I’m not sure if these women discussed it in advance, but we gave them some tomatoes and cucumbers, which they used to make spaghetti sauce and pickles, and then returned a few of them to us. Once again, the women in my life have demonstrated to me how life improves through effective communication.

When I had a stroke, many people asked us what they could do. Even more challenging than figuring out what we want is sometimes understanding what we want others to do for us. Therefore, I believe we must be especially mindful of understanding who we are, what we enjoy, and what we hope to accomplish. Otherwise, it won’t just be people giving us things we don’t need; it might be pursuing goals we never truly wanted. Communication is not just with others – it’s also within ourselves.

7. Learn to talk about what matters

This is not a lesson I learned in a small town. By far, the most common topic of conversation when people gather there is about the weather. Especially after it rains, they talk about how many inches fell, sometimes expressed in hundredths. They say things like “I got an inch and a half,” or “Margaret only got eighty hundredths.” I couldn’t join in because my rain gauge was already full, and I had forgotten to empty it.

In reality, these folks worry about rainfall affecting their lives because most are connected to agriculture. However, a bigger reason we discuss the weather is that we prefer not to confront life’s more difficult issues.

Recently, my mother told me not to talk about religion and politics when I came home to visit, even though I told her back in 2009 that I regretted that our family had never discussed anything meaningful. We didn’t really discuss important things; we just did things, slept, and occasionally talked about what we did, what we ate, or where we went.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out what makes people tick and why we act the way we do. I wanted to know how I could improve and heal from wounds caused by others, and why I didn’t always feel special or important.

It wasn’t until I found professionals and friends I could talk to about what truly matters that I made progress, or truly understood the world I live in, and became who I am today.

The things that truly matter are often difficult to discuss. They can be murky and confusing. However, life becomes more vibrant, challenging, and meaningful when we take the risk of exploring these topics.

Brené Brown says, “There is no bravery without vulnerability,” and I might add that without vulnerability, we never discuss what truly matters. It’s terrifying, but it’s necessary, and it’s worth it!

8. Mind your own business

The story is about an older man who recognizes the boy eating candy sitting on a bench in the middle of town.

Older Man: “You shouldn’t eat candy. It will rot your teeth.”

Boy: “Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!”

Older Man: “By eating candy?”

Boy: “No, by minding his own damn business.”

Minding our own business doesn’t mean we don’t care about others, nor does it mean we never help them. The truth is that while we are patient with ourselves, we often expect others to change and do things that make us feel comfortable instantly. We don’t fully understand their situation, and when we only observe them briefly, we aren’t qualified to give advice, nor will we create lasting change.

It’s only in relationships that we truly influence others or genuinely help them reach their goals. Someone can be shamed, frightened, or even abused into complying with rigid expectations, but real impact takes time, trust, and dedication. That, my friends, is what changes the world.

Writing a short piece like this takes hours – writing, rewriting, editing, deleting, re-reading aloud, and sometimes discarding everything into the trash. We shouldn’t assume we can influence someone in a moment without building and maintaining a lasting relationship. As they say, “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care.”

Even after a relationship is established, it’s essential to ask if they want your advice or assistance with an issue you’ve identified. Often, the best thing you can do is listen without giving advice. If you succeed in something similar to what they’re trying to achieve, they’ll notice it in your actions and be more receptive to your guidance when they’re ready to follow.

With all these considerations, it’s still better to talk to someone than to talk about them. But what remains true is that the most powerful healing tool is genuine, non-judgmental listening. Nothing replaces hearing, empathizing, and showing compassion.

Hang in There

I realize that some of these topics overlap, but that is mainly because life is complicated, not simple. There are exceptions to most of our philosophical beliefs, as well as nuances to our understanding. What we believe to be true today may be disproved by science or the collective experience of others in the universe. When we become dogmatic about anything, we risk becoming irrelevant in the world we are trying to protect.

This might be the biggest challenge for small towns, because it can become their downfall. Preserving what we understand to be the best way to live and raise our families definitely evolves. But how do we recognize what truly matters, and how do we realize when we’ve been wrong about it? It could be that, just like the neighboring towns we sometimes despise, we may have been mistaken about other things.

Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at peace!